Only Assholes eat Jelly Beans

They put a sword... right. in. my. funny. bone.

2010-09-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

this wisdom tooth removal drug-induced video so beats the other one with the Jesus girl. this kid went through light or space travel. watch at least the first 3 minutes. i love the sister (who also got her wisdom teeth removed) just laughing at her insane brother.

ok we get it OK Go

2010-09-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've seen this video circling its way around the internets, but just in case you haven't, watch out for cuteness overload. These are all rescue dogs that the band owns and/or helped train. And, as you might already know, OK Go's videos are all one shot which is amazing on its own. I don't know if this is as good as the treadmill video but it's definitely cuter. Enjoy!

Who knew Ballet could be Fucking Awesome!

2010-05-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

the first time ive ever seen any ballet that was remotely interesting...its very matthew barney- esq (ie:totally batshit crazy)

Phil Collins induced Titty Slap!

2010-05-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

omg i have no idea what is happening here but i love it so much.

MY LIFE DOT COM

2010-04-22T10:31:00.001-07:00

"YOURE A SINLGLE LADY!!!"

2010-04-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

sorry if you have all seen this already but i freakin love it and cant get enough of it, that poor boy was so upset that he wasnt a single lady...

Reason #200 not to get your wisdom teeth pulled

2010-04-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

hold out for the christian rap

Saved by the Bell

2010-03-29T10:47:00.001-07:00

These are currently my favorite Saved by the Bell related videos on youtube.

The first one you cannot embed..so follow the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_5V4gq6fjU

It puts the Caulk in the Butt...

2010-03-10T16:37:00.000-08:00

first time in history a news anchor has said these words, together.

This is a bit rude

2010-03-07T14:53:00.001-08:00

Are you implying they were forced out or killed in the genocide?In poor taste Captcha!

F-Amazing!

2010-03-06T23:38:00.001-08:00

seriously?...

I'm sorry

2010-03-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

i dont think this is supposed to be funny, i cant tell if she is a small child or an older girl with some sort of condition...either way this is faaamazing

note: wait it out till the end, there is a killer set of montages -- including her punching herself.

Update: turns out she is in fact a 12 year old girl and has a shit ton of videos, mostly unwatchable. but this is def one of my faves:

Thank god flipcams did not exist when i was a child, or i most likely would have become some viral-child-laughingstock dancing to En Vogue, Paula Abdul or Marky Mark who would of put the fat kid with the light saber to shame.

Seriously Discovery Health Channel?

2010-03-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

sounder isn’t exactly sure what dubstep is, but is still complaining about the lack of it at pitchfork fest this year

2010-02-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

"Popeye insists he doesnt have 'a thing for asian girls,' even though his last four girlfriends have been pekingese."

I mean I can't get enough of these hipster puppies. and I bet you can't either...

http://hipsterpuppies.tumblr.com/

tat tat tat it up

2010-01-20T19:44:00.000-08:00

I really admire your choice in font and the casual way in which you make your exclamations. Is this a warning tattoo? If I smoke dope is this what I will look like? Okay, I'm on it.

srsly? I'm going to go ahead and assume you're ugly and this tattoo is just helping out your cause.

I'm so impressed by this. And missionary, so sweet!

Dear sir, I fear the end result of this particular tattoo did not produce the effect for which you had hoped. You are now wearing a permanent, backwards zipper necklace.
fuck you, your brain

"whats this right here?"

2010-01-20T13:48:00.000-08:00

warning: this will make you feel reeeeally awkward. and make you hate cops, even more.

(sorry will)

it would be nice if maybe once, just once, a video would surface that didnt make cops look like the biggest fucktards ever. come on interweb, stop showing things how they really are so much.

hay's for gays and horses

2010-01-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

Who in the cornbread hell would make these pieces of hoofy art you ask? Iris Schieferstein.

Now I don't know who she is but she has obvi had some pretty intense centaur murder fantasies during her existence.

While many of you may think 'Lady Gaga will definitely be the first one to strap these on her already questionably gendered body,' I suggest another shewolf who is half way toward horsehood herself--Sarah Jessica Parker. She was the first woman I saw wearing those monstrosities known as the "camel toe boot" (also pictured above) so these gun hoofs are bound to make an apperance at the "SATC 2:We're old as fucking desert sand" premiere.

whatevs happened to a fancy kitten heel?

le shamble

youre welcomeeeeee

2010-01-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

we all know that there are thousands of hilarious photos on FAIL blog -- but who has time to sift through all of them to find the "creme de la creme"?

me. because i have no life.

so here i give you, the best of FAILblog:

these next two are my all time favorite, you just cant make up something this good. but first you need a little backup story: So this lady is being interviewed by the local news about how bothersome the smelly, crap- filled "port-a-potty" by her house is...

and lastly...

Grief Fail:

Erm...was that really "necessary"

2010-01-06T15:03:00.000-08:00

bear grylls is officially out of control.

Need the Perfect Xmas Gift for that Angsty Teen on your list?

2009-12-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

well hop on down to Hot Topic and get yourself one of these gems:

that's right: HOT TOPIC IS SELLING TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES SNUGGIES.

i mean, look how stoked these guys look to be wearing these things -- how could you not buy one?

"I mean...Kids do things like this..."

2009-12-17T22:27:00.000-08:00

if by do things like this you mean be four years old and drink beer and break into houses, then yes, they do.

mother of the year award?

Work it Baby, work it!

2009-12-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

are you tired of your baby being bald and un-sexy? well now you can get a custom baby weave for that weird bald head of theirs...

after all, its never too soon to objectify.

...I Guess you are.

2009-12-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

i really dont give a shit about politics but this PSA is hilarious,

i wonder how much money they had to pay those 2 black guys to be in this shit

it probably would of helped prove their point if it wasn't just a bunch of smarmy sounding white people who remind you of your drunk relatives...but i can imagine they probably had a hard time finding willing "ethnic" participants, well except for that one asian guy (and everyone knows asians are racist)

and those 2 black guys who clearly had some pressing monetary needs (weed? rims? child support?) -- oh wait, black guys dont pay child support.

oh, racism. thanks for the laughs.

In the Land of Ass -- Dont even think of bringing it to school

2009-11-09T21:40:00.001-08:00

Out of all the places in the world to almost get murdered by an angry mob for showing off your butt- you would think Brazil would be last on the list...

Apparently Brazil is having mixed feelings about the ass these days.

This poor girl decided to wear a short club- like outfit to her college class and, naturally, it causes a full blown prison-style riot.

after a teacher locked her in a room to escape the mob, students were STILL trying to break through the door and windows, yelling that they were going to "rape her".

the police had to come escort her out of campus, all the while 700 students chanted PUTA! (whore)

What the Fuck Brazilian private college students, get your shit together you fucking animals.

Oh no you di-nt!

2009-11-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

who pays a lot of money to go to a Morrisey show, and then throws a bottle of water at his head...i mean really. to make it even worse, it was at the beginning of the SECOND song, when he got pegged. Following the mindboggling incident, Morrisey promptly bid the audience goodnight before dropping the microphone diva style -- never to return.

i hope the crowd kicked that guys ass for ruining the show, god knows Morrisey should have.

so was the bottle throwing just a bizarre attempt at showing love? ...or a hardcore Morrisey hater who was willing to spend a shit ton of money for a shot at his dome?...

Ray Fenwick

2009-10-20T16:25:00.001-07:00

Ray Fenwick is a pretty dope illustrator. He draws a lot of type, and hand makes books. Sometimes, I guess he enjoys fucking around. I cried through this entire video.

Hand Santizer

2009-10-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Don't worry d-bags...Ed Hardy now has you covered for those nights when you've manually stimulated a particularly raunchy gal. Found at my favorite store Marshall's.

*Bonus points for the DVDs of The Firm & Leave it to Beaver being on the same shelf.

Is the Answer Cuntflaps?

2009-10-17T20:06:00.001-07:00

Kababs

2009-10-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is definitely my favorite recent purchase in my online banking. Is it an insult? Suzy, you are being such a fucking curry ho. Does it mean you date a lot of Indian guys?

Sarah

2009-09-28T09:51:00.000-07:00

I had a nice little chat with "Sarah" on the Proactiv website today. Very helpful!

FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!!

2009-09-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

This video and song are so fucking amazing, in every way... I cant stop watching it.

Make it large so you can see all the gyration.

thank you eric wareheim and major lazer!

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

Overdose

2009-09-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've watched this video about 5 times over the course of this week, and it's still just as funny. I love this cop. And mega-props for the news anchors losing it.

Try BJ's for Free

2009-09-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

I really have to hand it to the News & Observer for being so progressive in their blog content. However, you only get to try it for free. I bet the next time costs you dearly. That's how they get you hooked.

Can Jay Leno make me Hate him Even More: Yes.

2009-09-17T16:30:00.001-07:00

If it wasnt official before, now it is: Jay leno is the worst television show host/interviewer in history.

We all know Kanye West is a magnificent douchebag-- but to ASK HIM WHAT HIS "DEAD MOTHER WOULD THINK" of his most recent douchebaggery at the VMA's....I MEAN ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS JAY LENO! hes sounds like some jerkoff school principle.

i would of totally been behind kanye if he flipped and kicked him in that jaw of his.

he comes out STRCITLY TO APOLOGIZE, and instead of just saying " thanks for coming on and apologizing", jay leno has the balls to stretch it out into some fucking awkward terrible stepdad lecture ... the worst is when jay touches his leg after the dead-mom-bomb to "console" him...ajfkljaldjlajklsjdlajdl (angry fingers)

Return of the Mack

2009-08-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not really trying to fan the rumour mill, BUT Macauley Culkin is rumoured to be Blanket Jackson's father. As amazing as that sounds I don't see the resemblence. Mack, if you're reading this don't hate me, I hella love Party Monster. Now, on to the real point of this post... he's a big WWE Nerd and he even appeard on an episode of Raw.

It's a good thing he's found Mila Kunis..because she is as big of a nerd as he is. NERDY CELEBS!!!!!!!

Paula Deen Drag Queen

2009-08-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

TWO THINGS
1. A friend of mine, let's call her Kristy, came across this image while googling "Paula Deen Drag Queen."

2. My co-worker said that monkey has been "Jean-Binet'ed" and that it looks like his grandmother.

Shes allergic to Banana

2009-08-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

i think "mishell" is really just desperate for a friend.

i like this tactic, but shes coming off as a bit of a chatty cathy, as well as a cheap-o. she will not even buy you your own scone or blueberry muffin as a reward, you will share one.

demanding that a person meet you at 8:42 am... to return your shitty sterling silver pinky ring for half of a scone! (also who the fuck wears pinky rings besides fat italian men)

i have to meet this person. im just desperate enough that she might be my new BFF-4-Lyfe

I made a poster

2009-08-27T09:04:00.001-07:00

Left: Theirs. Right: Mine
(click for bigger)

Lady Gaga is....

2009-08-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

Lady Gaga is __________. Give me your answer.

That mask reminds me a bit of Leigh Bowery's style.

The Dark Side of Totino's Pizza Rolls

2009-08-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

It is now widely known that Totino's pizza rolls can induce a psychedelic experience in adolescents unmatched by any illegal substance. This is better than the LSD scene in Easy Rider.

Cute Time

2009-08-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

prepare to have your mind blown by a never before experienced cosmic level of cuteness:

ART

2009-08-18T19:19:00.001-07:00

I've posted this elsewhere so you might have seen it. But really I think we can all agree that you can't see this image enough. AD WIZARDS! Did you pass the illusion text?? I DIDN'T!!!!!!

After I stopped vomiting I started to feel really bad for that mothercreature, look at how sad she is! She probably has post-partum depression..hopefully she won't drive her puppy-babies into a lake or anything

On a related tip this is also happening.

Best website voice-over EVER

2009-08-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

can someone please tell me if this is real or a joke? either way its famazing:

http://www.gods10.us/index.html

Good Lord Australians are Bizzare

2009-08-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

there seems to be some controversy over the racist name of australia's favorite cheese, the second video drags a bit but you have get to the end to hear his glorious last sentence: "...we love our ...."

Maybe its just me...

2009-08-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

...but when i saw a pic of johnny depp as the mad hatter the first thing i thought was how much he looks like madonna...

Wiki Answers

2009-08-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

I answered my first Wiki Answers question today! I hope that I've helped you out inquisitive stranger.

Megaperv

2009-08-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

(click image for larger view)

I really, really, really love these file websites that tell you what videos the brilliant people of the world have been searching for on the internet. Classic Films? Documentaries? Maybe family home movies that have been uploaded? NOPE!

My favorites are:
man focking man (mans love to fock)
arab phat ass (very contemporary)
megaupload please bang my wife (its a website..not a person, therefore it cannot bang your wife good sir)
total recall (yes!!)
old fat man fuck (people love to fuck old fat men)
girl fucking a horse video AND the much anticipated sequel
horse fucks two girls

Does nobody watch semi-normal pornography these days? I should have been searching for "Alice Coltrane fucks a dalmation".

Personal Urns: "Never forget a Face"

2009-08-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

what better way to commemorate your dead loved one then by making an urn that is a replica of the deceased's HEAD. no.... thats not creepy at all. the line of demarcation along the top of the head is the worst part. they provide a wig to cover that up though.

and if you dont want to use the persons actual face, you can also get one in the image of your "favorite celebrity, or hero"

mom, if you ever read this, i want my ashes in oprah's head.

and its only $2,600.00 -- you cant put a price on this kind of creepy.

if you dont believe me here is the link: http://www.cremationsolutions.com/Personal-Urns-c109.html

Herpes: "First Class"

2009-07-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

Anticipating my move to Iowa, I figured id check out the Iowa craigslist and see what kinda kookbutts are holdin down the midwest -- and man o man what a treat.

this is my fave so far:

Have herpes and am looking - 40 (Mid Des moines)
Date: 2009-07-13, 8:34AM CDT

I am a single guy , with about 15 lbs to loose and I have herpes. I am looking for a lady who has the virus I have. If you are interested please email back and put the following in the subject line of your email
"FIRST CLASS"
that way I will know you are real.

* Location: Mid Des moines
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

sooo the phrase "first class" is the best thing ive seen in a long time. maybe "painful honesty" would have been more fitting

Blame it on my period

2009-07-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

I watched "americas got talent" for the first time yesterday and what a clusterfuck of dramatic music and editing.

And how hilarious is it that one of the JUDGES of TALENT is DAVID HASSELHOFF. and Sharon Osbourne and the other Simon Cowell clone are both British. So the American talent show has only one American judge -- and its the hoff.

I dont know if this show is just really good at making bitches cry, but i swear i get teared up seeing people get so excited when they go out there to perform for the first time and receive a standing ovation.

This one was successful in causing a couple of tears to fall out of my eyes.

Im really hoping its just because i am premenstrual -- and not that im actually just a really lame baby.

is this thing on?

2009-06-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

i just need to say that in all my time on the internet (there's a reason i have maybe 1 friend from high school), i have never been so creeped out by a moving picture. and then to find more from the same person and get even more creeped out... just... just watch. and on the second one, the first time you think you understand what the video is about, keep watching and guess again. the juice is the second half.

ok, remember that you can't un see this, but luckily it isn't a guy sticking a glass jar up his ass and breaking it in there.

sorry about that. i love you both.

How to of the Day

2009-06-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Really? I know that wiki how is the first place I'm going to go to help deal with a life-changing revelation. Hiring a virtual assistant sounds awesome though...i'm thinking its a robot or hologram.

Judge Judy could get to the Bottom of This

2009-06-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

So this 18 year old Belgian chick claims that she asked for three stars to be tattooed on her upper cheek/forhead area, then claims that she "fell asleep" during the tattooing and awoke to find 56 fucking stars tattooed on her face.

The tattoo artist maintains that she in fact asked for the 56 stars and was checking in the mirror periodically during the process with approval. He claims that she left the shop satisfied only to make this whole falling asleep story up after her family saw her and started freaking out.

Here is a pic of the stunning beauty and her new "sexy" tatts to match her "sexy" belt buckle:

Obviously, there is no way that this chick is so hardcore that she could have fallen asleep whilst getting 56 tattoos on her FACE. i call bullshit on that one. However, after seeing a photo of the tattoo artist, im sure he agreed to do it because he thought it would be hilarious to tattoo this stupid little trollops face to all get out. i mean, its not like a tattoo artist can deny a customer what they ask for!?

here is said offender:

first of all, i was not aware that people were stretching thier fucking nostrils, second of all how can that man eat with all of those lip piercings! people like this make me hate all tattoos and pericings-- assholes like this ruin it for everyone.

tunrs out the guy is pretty nice, he maintains his innocence but says he'll offer to pay for half of the removal surgery since he doesnt want any "unhappy customers". i wouldnt pay for shit. the dumb bitch obviously got what she asked for and now she needs to live with the hilarious consequences that will last for a lifetime of shame.

Iranian Protests

2009-06-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

On an unusually serious note, I've been obsessed with watching the videos of the post-election uprising in Tehran. This one is particularly terrifying and it shows you what's happening on the ground. Chanting in public gets you beat down by government thugs.

Huffington Post has a great live blog of all the events.

Best Txt Msg Evr!!!

2009-06-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

I received this mysterious picture message on my phone yesterday with only the following accompanying text "U never know what u'll find @ piggly wiggly"

Thank you.

Daisy of Puppetry

2009-06-15T17:03:00.001-07:00

I've been watching a lot of Daisy of Love on VH1 lately. I got cable recently and have become enamored with it. If you aren't familiar with the show it's about an all-american girl named Daisy just lookin' for a little bit of love in this cold, cruel world..and boy does she have options in potential mates! hubba hubba. (and a group shot)

So last night I was watching the new episode in a particularly silly frame of mind and I noticed something I had not previously been aware of..see images below for the uncanny similarity.

DAISY = JANICE (of Dr. Teeth fame)

WTF is Daisy doing up there in her crotchal region? Is that black area her pubic hair? Or is she drawing the lottery numbers? Her face looks like a she got mauled by a dog and got a face transplant. Was she banging Animal? Maybe he did the mauling.

Other Daisy Fun facts
- Daisy's full name is Daisy De La Hoya, neice of boxer Oscar De La Hoya (maybe, its disputed)
- Daisy recently overdosed at Les Deux, or is just "exhausted"
- Daisy dated Criss Angel and Dave Navarro, SHOCKING

If VH1 wants to give back to the community they could just use the Daisy of love house as a gas chamber. It would help lower crime and STD rates in the greater Los Angeles area by getting rid of these psychos. AND think of the ratings on that finale!

Dating Corner: How to Fuck up a First Date

2009-06-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

If there's anything I know how to do, its turning potentially good situations awkward.

I have become sort of an expert on the art of ruining first dates, here is an example (from my last date) of what you should not do if in fact you would like your date to want to see you ever again:

1) do not drink too much and pontificate on your beliefs on consciousness and reality. apparently, this topic is not on everyone's list of acceptable subject matter when mind altering drugs are not involved.

2) do not comment on how little they tipped, apparently some find that offensive.

Heed my advice friends. keep the conversation light and surface...and by all means never, never- ever, say what you are really thinking.

Thank you, Drunkards

2009-06-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

After cocktailing at a crowded douchebag-ey club for the past 4 months, I have come to two major conclusions. One: I hate drunk people and never want to be one. Two: The majority of people occupying this planet are insanely lame and terrible.

On any given friday or saturday I will witness numerous violent bar fights, girls hunched over their seats on the verge on complete unconciousness, drunk driving, and people making lots of very very bad decisions...all thanks to one very magical beverage.

After a typical night of peddling the magic poisen, I feel a sense of sadness and guilt. Sad that there are so many adults who engage in such disturbing behavior-- and that i am somehow partially responsible for getting them to that state.

But after I count all my cash, that feeling of guilt quickly shifts to elation.

Yesterday was the typical insanely loud/crowded saturday night. whilst desperately pushing my way through the immovable crowds of assholes, getting stepped on and verbally assaulted all the way to my destination...a rather remarkable thing happened.

I went to check on a big wedding party whom i had been serving, and the head of the table grabbed me and said: "If you dance with grandpa ill give you a one hundred dollar bill", nodding to the ancient white head sitting to his right.

I hesitated, assuming the offer was in jest. But decided it would at least help my tip if anything so i grabbed the old mans hand and we awkwardly shuffled back and forth on the dance floor to some awful aerosmith cover with no discernable dancing beat.

After about a minute of awkwardly swaying back and forth i returned the corpse to his seat and the head of the table handed me a folded up bill.

I opened it up in the light, and ill be damned -- it was in fact a one hundred dollar bill.

Thank you, Drunkards!

and im sorry for hating you so much.

Congratulations Grizzly Bear!

2009-06-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

Amazingly enough Grizzly Bears new album is number 8 on the fucking billboards top 200!!! go ahead boys, make that money!

here is the beautifully bizarre music video for "2 weeks":

Rock Operas are over. Time for the R'n'Bopera.

2009-05-29T12:08:00.001-07:00

Any R.kelly Track = A.R.T.

The man is a genius(?).

Bill Plante is the Boss!

2009-05-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

During a white house briefing, the new awkward press secretary Robert Gibbs tries to be a bad ass and is totally one-upped by veteran CBS reporter Bill Plante:

Gibbs, nice try one-upping Plante with that lame "bad suit" joke. theres no getting around the fact that you just got served. hard.

Dragan Vs. Seagull

2009-05-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

A Kansas man accused of beating a seagull that tried to eat his wife's ice cream is appealing a $275 fine stemming from the incident in California.

Police say Dragan Djuric beat the gull with a stick and broke its wing in Laguna Beach on New Year's Eve. The bird was later euthanized. ( i mean come on, who's going to nurse a seagull back to health -- they are the pigeons of the sea)

Dragan (clearly of Russian/Eastern European ass kicking descent) claims he was acting in self-defense after the bird "swooped down, hit his wife's head and tried to grab her ice cream"

Fish and Wildlife officials say witnesses told authorities the ice cream fell on its own and Djuric struck birds that descended to eat it.

Either way, how annoying are beach seagulls? They have no scruples. Frankly, they deserve to get beat with a stick for trying to steal everyone's funnel cakes and ice cream.

Unfortunately there is no published photo of Mr. Dragan Djuric, but below is a educated guess as to what he probably looks like:

The Economy is Really Affecting Everyone

2009-05-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

first of all let me just say that weezy f baby is the fuckin boss. so this is a little difficult for me to handle. i did hear a while ago that he was planning on putting out a "rock album". those fears were soon realized when he started toting around an electric guitar and awkwardly diddling it during his live shows.

this is probably old news to those of you with a finger on the pulse of popular culture, but only tonight did i first witness visual/audio proof that lil wayne is currently flouncing around as some wavy- haired (ala beyonce circa destinys child)- auto-tuned emo artist crying about how some girl didnt pay him attention in high school.

obviously, he is insane. which is why i love him. and as painful as this stage is, it really only adds to his charm in the long run...

so for those of you who haven't heard it, here it is with the full audio/visual raping/awesomeness that is lil waynes take on doing "rock music".

*unfortunately the embedding of this gem has been outlawed by the interweb masters -- but you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGYIcQOodHo

*update: here is the video

so instead i will leave you with an image bearing a striking resemblance to said greatest rapper alive:

and just for fun ill throw in one of "Fergi" too:

Adrian Brody must give Everyone in Japan a Hard On

2009-05-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

so we're all aware of the insane eyelid surgery that asain women are lining up in droves for, but apparently nose enlarging surgery is running a close second to the slicing- the eyelid- in half- to appear- not- asian surgery.

here is a hilarious contraption i accidentally stumbled across whilst googling something unrelated ( i swear).

"The device has a polythene nose piece that vibrates at 7,000 Hz per minute, supposedly creating a gravitational force that excites the growth of the nasal bridge. And its promoters claim that wearing it everyday for 3 minutes or so will produce noticeable differences in just 2 or 3 weeks."

what is wrong with the world, i mean really.

.

Chapel Hill News Police Blotter

2009-05-17T09:19:00.001-07:00

I've recently become enamored with the Chapel Hill News Police Blotter. This is partially due to my appearance as THE VICTIM in said police blotter a few weeks back, and btw I feel like that blotter writer was trying to somehow blame me for my robbery by gabbing on the telephone while it happened. But that is neither here nor there. The point of this is to show you how insane the people of Chapel Hill and Carrboro are. The words of Ryan are in red, just like in the King James Bible.

From the May 13th Police Blotter

• Someone stole the wheels and tires from a 2003 Honda Accord on Daffodil Lane Thursday night. The wheels are valued at $800 and the tires, $500.

Srsly? they took the entire wheels off your car and nobody saw this happening? Sorry dude, your neighbors are worthless.

• A Blueridge Road resident reported Friday that she had a live bat in a jar. Officers took the bat to the animal shelter where it was euthanized.

Okay listen..why the fuck do you have a bat in a jar? I'm guessing you caught it in your house or something..get over it and let it go. You know you an just throw that fucker outside and he'll fly away. We really had to kill it? Thanks Carrboro police, I feel so much safer. You're going to be sorry when we have an Arachnophobia the movie-level of spider infestation..b/c bats eat all the spiders. THUS IS THE BALANCE OF NATURE.

• Another Pleasant Drive residence was broken into when someone shattered a glass door, but nothing was stolen.

Nice job asshole.

• And a washer and dryer were stolen Saturday from a Royal Park Apartments residence on N.C. 54.

Are criminals just driving around with a giant trailer for all of these car wheels and washer&dryer's they are stealing? They should be pretty easy to spot. Ummm..if you see a guy wearing a ski mask pulling a trailer filled with junk call the police.

• Police received a report Sunday that a dog on South Estes Drive was not on a leash.

Oh no!!! Put the babies inside!

From the April 22nd Police Blotter

• Police received a report Friday that a cat was stuck in a tree on Davie Road. The animal's owner climbed the tree and retrieved the cat when officers arrived.

Why did you call the police... just to show them up?

• Robert Taylor Johnson, 23, of Greenville, was arrested Saturday and charged with damaging real property and obstructing traffic. According to a police report, Johnson took a stop sign and grocery cart from Timberlyne Apartments and put them in the street.

Greenville in the housssse!! he got arrested for putting a grocery cart in the street? wtfffffffffffff..he was clearly wassstteedd. Pirate Nation!!!

• A $15 pot of flowers was stolen from a grave site at Chapel Hill Memorial Gardens.

Well, she couldn't afford to buy a new bouquet for her wedding. Can you blame her?

• Police received a report Monday that "the fire department contained a dog while they were doing hydrant maintenance." The dog was taken to an animal shelter.

He was trying to take a leak, get out of the way you jerks. I'm gonna arrest you when you go to the urinal.

• A South Greensboro Street resident reported Thursday that a rooster was crowing across the street from his house. The owner of the bird told police it went feral and he is no longer feeding it, but agreed to have it removed.

Roosters can just GO feral? So, basically you owned a rooster and then you just threw it away..great job.

•Someone stole a suit, a purse and shoes from inside the screen door of a Jackie Robinson Street residence on Tuesday.

Bitch, I had a job interview.

AND MY FAVORITE

• A Davie Road resident reported Sunday that a neighbor's dog was barking. After officers arrived, the woman who complained "began barking like a dog loudly as she returned to her residence.

Oh Carrboro, I hope Durham is this exciting!

Happy Belated Penis Day to all

2009-05-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

March 15th was "Penis Day" in Komaki Japan, here are some amazing photos to prove it:

lets see who can come up with the best captions

"i never cared for sue, shes a real dickhead if ya ask me" (disappoited horn sound)

"and here come the valedicktorians! ...or...these ladies have graduated suma cum laude"

"I hope no one was injured when that giant dick crashed through little old okito's house"

The sexual dysfunction this child will undoubtedly experience as a result of touching a huge penis with her mother may require years of therapy
got nothin...ryan?

Did they really have to add the pubes? pubes arent very majestic.

and youd think the asians would want to put the small dick stereotype to rest by embellishing just a little on their dick portraits

SNL is finally getting funnier

2009-05-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

this song is fantastic. SNL has a long way to go in becoming consistently funny/ watchable again, but this is a good sign.

im officially a lunatic

2009-05-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

so as per usual, i was perusing the asheville craigslist the other night. for some reason i feel compelled to constantly check the "pets" section regardless of the fact that i cannot afford an animal nor can i even have any at this dump of a place i live.

i came across a posting from a shelter worker in fayetville nc to check out the dogs that they had that were going to be euthanized on monday morning.

so like a retard i followed the link and to my horror there was pictures and videos of numerous PUPPIES!!!

i impulsively emailed the lady and asked if there was any way i could help, not really knowing what i was even really doing. it was around 9pm, and she promptly returned my email telling me that there is a lady driving from there through asheville TOMMOROW MORNING and that if i wanted any i had to let her know by that night which ones i wanted.

so i was up all night long going back and forth on what i should do...obviously it was completely irrational for me to take any puppies, but i felt compelled. so at one in the morning i sent my payment through paypal to cover three puppies.

i didnt sleep a wink that night, what the fuck had i done!!?

around 10 am she called to check that i still wanted them...i had a chace to get out of this pickle!

but i didnt. i told her to bring the three coonhound mixes from the same litter.

they came through town at 3pm. i picked up the puppies.

now i just needed to tell my roommate.

i put them in a pen in my room and covered the carpet with a tarp.

i stared at the puppies. what the fuck am i supposed to do know, my roommate will be up for work soon and shes going to hear the fuckers...so i texted her to let me know when she was up. 20 mins later my door opened and there she was in her bathrobe, staring at the dogs with bewilderment.

"umm..yeah we kinda need to talk about something.." that was the longest and most awkward segway ever.

i told her they were going to be put down and that i would only have them for a week. she was won over by their cuteness and said okay reluctantly.

so for the past two days ive been cleaning up shit and piss and vomit like theres no tomorrow.

not to mention the ticks, plucking off engorged ticks with tweezers.

alas, things have fallen into place, a local organization has found a foster home for them and they will be leaving tonight.

dont you love when things seem to just work out...here are the little turds: moe, larry and curly.

.

Cum fetish/condom cleaning service

2009-05-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

Cum fetish/condom cleaning service - m4w - 32 (Raleigh)

Reply to: pers-krkn5-1138296191@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-04-24, 2:52PM EDT

Yes, I have a cum fetish. I love the sight of cum, the texture, the feel, the taste... all of it.

I have two specific ideas in mind for fantasies I'd like to make come true.

1) Clean up a creampie. Whether you're a married woman and are willing to indulge me after your hubby is done, or whether you're open for letting me lick you clean after you fucked your boyfriend or even just a random guy, I'd absolutely love to make that happen. I realize that safety issues make this one very tough to happen. As opposed to having a guy actually cum in you, I'm also game for a guy coming on your pussy and me licking it off, or even cumming on your chest or something like that. All are good options in my book. Of course, the safety issue is still there to some extent, alas option 2.

2) Cleaning out a used condom. You fuck a guy, he takes off his condom. Instead of just ripping it off and letting the cum go to waste in a trash can or flushing it down the toilet, save it. Tie the condom in a knot and it will stay viable for a few days at least. Then, we get together and you give me the condom and watch me drink it. Better yet, you could even pour it into my mouth for me.

Yes, I realize these (particularly #2) are quite diverse fantasies. But hey, I know there have to be other like-minded pervs out here, right??

Location: Raleigh
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Sooooooooooooo...where do you think this guy falls in the gay to straight gradation of sexuality...i'm guessing in a BIG GrAY AREA. Like is cum-eating gay if its done from a woman's body, or if she's feeding it to you?

He seems so concerned by the "safety" issue but if you want to drink strangers cum then you clearly aren't that concerned sir! Also..this old cum left in the condom from a few days ago..do you think it would expire and curdle? For how long does a nice bag of semen stay fresh? I guess you should probably refrigerate it if you aren't going to be feeding to anyone for a couple days.

My friend Bomi gave me this link because she's going to respond to it.

Um...Really, Russia?

2009-04-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

As if russia couldn't get any fucking weirder...

When 28 year old Artyom Sidorkin went in to have a tumor removed from his lungs, doctors found not a tumor but a five-centimeter fir tree...

thats right, a FIR TREE. apparently it is too big to have been swallowed so doctors think that poor Artyom must have inhaled a bud that somehow grew in his lungs.

i dont buy it. i think its a ploy by the fir tree industry to garner media attention...its a long time until christmas rolls around again.

Was Bea Arthur Killed by Swine Flu?

2009-04-27T15:46:00.001-07:00

This weekend I was on vacay and not using the internet or watching tv really. Then all of a sudden my friends and I started getting texts about Bea Arthur's death, which saddened us greatly and caused a lot of drunk cheers-ing in the bar later that night..."TO BEA!! To Beaaa!!" Pouring out a little woo woo for Dorothy.

The day after I became aware of the other big news story of the weekend, THE SWINE FLU (aka Pork flu, aka The Meat Sweats). I know MIA is planning a new song and video for this right now..complete with awesome oink beats.

Are these two horrendous weekend news items unrelated? I don't think so. Bea died in Los Angeles......and all i'm saying is....there are a lot of Mexicans there. Is that racist? Probably, but is our neighbor to the south trying to sabotage the America by sending infected people to come after our screen legends? Who could be next..Carrot Top, Monique, Zac Efron? Do you really think we can live in a world with no Zefron? We have to stop this.

In complete and total seriousness, I just want to cry and watch a Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime while playing the "which one are you" game with friends. R.I.P Dorothy Zbornaks. You know who you are.

Painting by John Currin

Gift Corner

2009-04-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Are you struggling with gift ideas to get that special man in your life? well look no further...

Metro Vice Pussy Inspector

This law enforcement quality badge is master crafted; features a durable high luster finish and a strong pin attachment on the back. An absolute must for any badge collector. Police officers get a laugh out of this!

Gold badge with the dimensions of 2" x 2 1/2". This badge has a pin back attachment. Free ID Card included! Or create your own custom ID Card below for $15.

Price: $19.95

Technology Corner

2009-04-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Robot Penguins (sorry, cant embed)

Much Like Turdie's post on the Fema Horsedog ..you know these are going to be used for war. These little fuckers would be great underwater surveillance, they maneuver like Mario in a frog suit. However when flying they would be fairly obvious as Uhhh penguins dont fucking fly. On the upside they do look like successful pop art.

I'm already thinking of a spinoff from the movie Spy Kids called Spy Penguins.. and then there would be the likely sequel SP2: Ice Spy Terrorists.

movie quiz

2009-04-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

what does this dvd cover art have in common with ryan's 3 bicycle things below?

Kitty 2

2009-04-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's legit now.

Quiz: 3 Things

2009-04-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

What do these 3 bicycle related items have in common?

pics of the day

2009-04-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

2009-04-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

These poor bastards had to sit through 4 hours of hair and makeup while some douchebag photographer made then get hair extensions. it seems like they could of just slapped a wig on there and it wouldn't of made much of a difference. well i hope they enjoyed their moment in the sun cause its off to the meat factory soon.

homohomohomohomo

2009-04-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Now I get why everyone hates homos. My opinion of this childmo can best be described by pasting the first commenter's remark from youtube:

" I WILL NOT HAVE IT !!!"....HOMO just stop ur bicthing and go suck on a dildu homo
homo homo homo homo ho.... guess how it end's MOOOOOO!!!!

The rest of his videos are gold also. On his profile he lists his interests and hobbies: Church, Bible, Skydiving, Hypnosis, Medicine, Computer And Video Games.
Is this kid my mind twin????? he has me hypnotized like biggie.

Also something to think about: If Pomo=Post-Modern, then Homo=Host-Modern. And does this "host" relate to the earlier post on parasites. And are we to deduce that parasites make us homosexual? But you've gotta wonder why the parasites want to turn us gay..b/c that will probably lead to less people being produced. So, I guess the parasites figured out turning us gay was a bad idea because they'd have less hosts to feed off of..so thats when they made the gays start having babies too. I'm really jazzed on coffee right now!! Should I get a dildu??

The more you know, the more you wish you didnt: Parasites

2009-04-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

*This is a hookworm, a parasitic worm that lives in the small intestine of its host -- a mammal such as a dog, cat, or HUMAN.

I first got interested in this subject after seeing some show on discovery health channel about parasites, which prior to seeing I had never even heard any mention about parasites being commonplace in humans.

How parasites work is both fascinating and disturbing. Somehow these little nasty fuckers have evolution on their side. Who ever the creator/creators are, they are playing a mean trick on us with these things.

First and foremost the parasite is only concerned with one thing -- survival. which means cycling from one host to another to extend its life and multiply.

So how does it achieve this feat? It alters the behavior of its host to make it more susceptible to being where the parasite needs to be.

for instance, an infected animal will display behaviors not consistent with its counterparts, it will stray from the pack or give off a certain scent, making it more likely that it will be caught and killed and eaten -- which means that the parasite can transfer to its new host during ingestion.

examples:

The lancet fluke Dicrocoelium dendriticum forces its ant host to attach to the tips of grass blades, the easier to be eaten. The fluke needs to get into the gut of a grazing animal to complete its life cycle.
The fluke Euhaplorchis californiensis causes fish to shimmy and jump so wading birds will grab them and eat them, for the same reason.
Hairworms, which live inside grasshoppers, sabotage the grasshopper's central nervous system, forcing them to jump into pools of water, drowning themselves. Hairworms then swim away from their hapless hosts to continue their life cycle.

Doctors at Oxford University have published an amazing study regarding rats infected with the parasite "toxoplasma gondi" . T.G is a parasite found in cat feces which half of the world's human population is infected with (found in both the body—and the brain)

The study showed that rats infected with TG, when placed in a maze with cat urine in one corner, will inexplicably linger around the spot where the cat urine was placed. The rats not infected will got into a panic when they arrive near the cat urine and avoid that area -- thus avoiding certain death by cat.

So the infected rats have a sort of suicidal tendency thanks to the parasites desire to return to its favorite vacation destination -- the cats gut (where it can multiply and then shed through cat poo)

TG is also linked to Schizophrenia in humans -- giving some credibility to the "crazy cat lady" anecdote.

There are some studies out there suggesting a link between humans infected with TG and car accidents...claiming that those infected have a higher rate of causing car accidents -- So one must ask: is the parasite causing humans to engage in the same destructive/suicidal behavior seen in other infected species?

is this shit bonkers or what!?

your welcome.

My questionable music taste #2

2009-04-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

Watch Stevie Nicks - Stand Back in Rock | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Fuck you, this shit is amazing.

Art Thou Bored?

2009-04-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

If I were forced to wear any outfit every day for the rest of my life..this neon leopard cowboy getup that Macho Man is wearing would be my choice. Snap into a Slim Jim!!! tear into the spicccceee

On a totally sad note Wikipedia says that Miss Elizabeth was found dead of a drug overdose in Lex Lugor's home in 2003. Where was the media coverage. Macho Man + Miss Elizabeth 4-eva!!

Stormy Weather

2009-04-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

A storm is gathering, a tsunami of homosexuality is going to tear right through the rectum of your straight marriage.

just let me touch it really quick

2009-04-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Curious About Fake Boobs - 26 (South Asheville)

Date: 2009-04-07, 2:07AM EDT

I just want to touch a fake boob before I die! If you have nice big fake boobs e-mail me. We can even meet in a public place if you will just let me touch it really quick. Thanks

Location: South Asheville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I couldnt help myself

2009-04-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of having to raise your arm to comb your hair? Well now you don't have to suffer from those pesky arm cramps any longer! Weve combined the technology of a toilet bowl cleaner handle with a comb -- so now you can groom with ease!

* in reality this product is for people who's arms are crippled -- so that makes me a huge dick.

Steve Martin

2009-04-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Steve Martin, I love you. I love Roxanne, Parenthood, The Jerk, Three Amigos. You're so awesome but I have just one request. No more Cheaper by the Dozens or Pink Panthers please. Maybe focus on that writing career or the banjo-playing. Apparently you're good enough for Earl Fucking Scruggs.

Men Seeking Women

2009-04-02T17:13:00.001-07:00

PLEASE SEND PICTURES OF THERE - 30

Date: 2009-04-02, 7:19PM EDT

HELLO THERE, I NEED REAL PEOPLE HERE BUT BE THERE...,....MY PARENTS ARE MOVING THERE WHEN THEY RETIRE NEXT YEAR THEY WANT ME TO COME WITH THEM THEY ARE HELPING ME WITH MY OWN PLACE, I WANT AN NEED FRIENDS TO SHOW US AROUND I HAVE TWO KIDS 6 AN 10 GIRL AN BOY,AT MY PLACE WE WILL HAVE FRESH EGGS FOR THE WEEKEND MY BABY GIRL LOVES EGGS ONLY THE WHITE, BUT ITS GOOD FOR HER, WE LIKE WILDLIFE HERE, ALSO SINGLE LADYS IM A GREAT COOK, I JUST NEED SOMEONE MY SAME BOAT, IF YOU ARE SINGLE NO DRAMA, I WANT TO MOVE THERE I WORK I PLEASE I MAKE U HAPPY, LOOKING FOR A ROOM MATE VERY HAPPY HERE NO DRAMA...GOOD NIGHT, LISTEN IM REAL, AN NO DATE SITES OK, I NEED LOVE ....PAUL

* i love how this fucking retard has two children -- and clearly is looking for a women with whom he can spread his glorious seed with some more. why is it that the bottom 2 percent of the world are the ones with no reservations on multiplying? can we bring back selective breeding and forced sterilization? that is a bill i will vote for.

Will you marry me? - 38 (Spartanburg, Same Country)

Date: 2009-04-01, 10:39PM EDT

If interested, please check SC Upstate site. I could not post here.
Thank you!

Location: Spartanburg, Same Country
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

* ok. so hes saying that he cant post in NC whilst simultaneously posting in NC. what the fuck is with that picture?! is that rain on the lens!?
Oh and he wants to make sure your aware that SC is in fact the "same country" as NC. thanks for clearing that up for us.

looking for decent looking native ukrainian or russian speaker

Date: 2009-03-29, 12:23AM EDT

Go to Carolina College of Hair Design at InnsBruck mall

*umm....so does he want to do their hair at the mall and then take them on a date? also, this post is very forceful -- "go to mall"....umm how about a please?!

I can't even talk about this.

2009-04-02T08:51:00.001-07:00

It's just too much.

So we haven't hated white people in awhile...

2009-03-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

But we could really start. Why is that white people are so awful? Also, this "song" has the best "lyrics" ever.

Best Lyrics Ever?

2009-03-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

On a serious tip..best lyrics ever?

Oh I'd rather go and journey where the diamond crest is flowing and
Run across the valley beneath the sacred mountain and
Wander through the forest
Where the trees have leaves of prisms and break the light in colors
That no one knows the names of

And when it's time I'll go and wait beside a legendary fountain
Till I see your form reflected in it's clear and jewelled waters
And if you think I'm ready
You may lead me to the chasm where the rivers of our vision
Flow into one another

I will want to die beneath the white cascading waters
She may beg, she may plead, she may argue with her logic
And then she'll know the things I learned
That really have no value in the end she will surely know
I wasn't born to follow

How to make yourself beautiful.

2009-03-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

How-to of the day was really really really wrong, this time.

2009-03-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today's suggestions were useful, Thanks How-to of the Day!

UPDATE: Due to multiple requests..here is the link for making your butt bigger. The accompanying images are amazing.

Queefs

2009-03-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Oh wait, no. Not really about Queefs.

I heard about this at a pot luck dinner last night. And because I heard of it at a pot luck dinner, I assume everyone on the actual internet has seen it. It goes internet, internet savvy, teens, college kids, blogs, normal people, moms, grandparents, people i work with, people i hate, THEN pot luck dinners. So, this should be an ancient video at this point. The kind you groan at because they are so old.

But still, look at that thing go, hahahahaha.

Queef.

A Wholesome Post for the Sabbath: Queefing

2009-03-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with vaginal flatulence? As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet "To Queef or not to Queef: that is the question", but that doesn't clear things up much for me. Having had many close, disgusting female friends I am informed of the fact that queefing is usually an embarassing sound that happens during sex but can also be done on command by those lucky few who work diligently on their craft.

Queefipedia tells me: Vaginal flatulence (flatus vaginalis in Latin) is an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina that may occur during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) during other sexual acts, stretching or exercise. The sound is somewhat comparable to flatulence from the anus but does not involve waste gases and thus often has no specific odor associated.

Very interesting..so you could just be in Yoga class working out your chakras (or whatever bullshit you do in yoga) and then out pops a cooter poot! Très Embarassing!

Now I'm not usually around vaginas in any sort of intimate situation, so I have to admit I've never heard one in person...a real tragedy right? Don't worry because youtube has me covered! Forget sexting..this is what the young ladies are into these days. They all queef on camera, sometimes alone and sometimes in groups, and they upload it to youtube for all the see. Where's this story Dateline?

Here's a couple of great selections, but don't worry there are many, many more.

1. I don't even want to know how old this girl is, but I can tell you that she is a genius of musical parody on a level we have not seen since Mr. Weird Al Yankovic.

2. Listen, it's great to be close with your parents. Even to have a sorta-friend relationship sometimes..I'm often jealous of friends who have that with their parents. But you have to draw some boundaries..and I think the boundary you should draw first is No intentional queefing in front of your parents. You have to admit though, she does have skill..a ballet leap/queef combo??! I give it an 8.9

BONUS QUESTION: Know any other good slang for this bodily function? Varting, Queen LaQueefah?

Amazing Shit Cluttering my Desktop

2009-03-20T13:55:00.001-07:00

The gloppiest look!!! I really like the idea of "placing it by the baby".

My Dad is in the middle..wearing a Pimp hat. That barn was still standing until about 5 years ago.

Coming this Summer, Crazee Blingsmore is SEXY GANGSTA. This used to animate...I don't know what happened. Sorry.

From Pitchfork News, it cracks me up a little bit every time I read it. This is some Onion-level shit.

LOGO FAIL - I was trying to create a stylized "T" but it really just looks like a ripping jock strap. I think my subconcious is bleeding into my design.

This is a _________. (Fill in the blank)

Sleemo's girlfriend has a great personality.

Amazing image from when an entire Mexican-American neighborhood in Los Angeles was forcibly removed to build Dodger Stadium.

Art by the elusive and enigmatic Holly Roach. Penguins love spoofing the new Morrissey album cover.

This is what I sleep in on the colder nights.

She weighs only 93 lbs. So, Anorexics everywhere..you too can fend off would-be muggers and rapists. Where exactly do you put that "one finger"?

The only Best Friends who've only hung out once! Except on the internet. 100% CRAZY!! If you look closely you can see a heinous zit on the side of my nose.

This is what I do at work. It looks like one of those sugar-coated gummi worms or that thing from Sesame Street.

Google Autofill

2009-03-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

So assuming Google is auto-filling in my search query based on what other people are Googling..here's a little glimpse into what other people are worried about:

Help I'm Alive - Not really a problem..why are you wasting your time? Maybe if you didn't waste your life on the internet you would like yourself more. Are you looking for someone to kill you? Might wanna try Craigslist.

Help I'm a Fish - I just don't buy this one, I've never seen a fish using the internet. Unless this is some weird role-playing thing where people get off on acting like fish. Like the adult baby phenomenon.

Help I'm a Boy - Okay this is a legit query (queery). Becuz maybe you're trans and you're trying to figure out what to do. But you need some more specific words such as "help i'm transgender/trans/queer." You might want to search for "help i'm trans -fat" because you don't want lots of health info about trans fats.

Help I'm a Rock - So at first I though this was as much bullshit as the fish thing but then I figured it out. They mean "rock" in the sense like "i'm your rock". Being someone's rock can bring you a lot of emotional stress, believe me I know. I'm a rock to at least 18 people. So what they really meant to search for was "Help me keep my sanity while i'm a rock to these fucking insane people, so that i dont go crazy and stab them in the taint with a steak knife".

Help I'm Fat - Self-explanatory

And to answer you're most pressing question, I was intending to google: "Help I'm becoming lactose-intolerant"

what's up youtube

2009-03-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

This video was not at all what I expected, but it was still something I had never seen before. One day soon we are going to reach a point where we have seen everything possible because of youtube.

Anyways, I can't imagine what it feels like to blow smarties dust out of your nose. It has to sting, right? And what of the residue that it leaves in there? You just snort that into your lungs and stuff? I'd like to see this kid repeat this same trick using an alka seltzer, then a pack of soup crackers, then a pack of cigarettes that has been blended into a fine powder. He could make this a whole traveling show – the kid that will breath any powder out of his face. I'd pay to see it.

The audience could bring various powders and he'd breath/smoke them all. Good way to get rid of your grandparent's ashes, I'm sure.

Even Japan has Crazy Cat Ladies

2009-03-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

So this crazy/adorable Japanese lady claims that it is her manifest destiny to design clothing for cats, and that her designs are sent to her via inter-dimensional portals.

i love how pissed/indifferent the cats look with those fucking bonnets on.

Don't be alarmed World!

2009-03-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

People across the globe freaked the fuck out a few weeks ago upon getting a glimpse of what they thought was a pink dolphin. Little girls/fey boys who grew up to be the Scientists and Biologists of today starting salivating at the thought of a Lisa Frank trapper-keeper come to life. But, alas it's no Lisa Frank creation nor is it really an albino dolphin like the scientists are officially categorizing it as.

It's actually my penis, sorry ..my bad. I was doing the backstroke just beneath the surface of Lake Calcasieu in Louisiana and my trunks slid down. Like I said, SORRY..didnt mean to offend any children with my large porpoise-like penis and definitely didn't intend to get your science-panties in a twist.

Coincidentally, this is amazing...

Smug Smirk of the Day

2009-03-03T15:56:00.000-08:00

this was posted under the "free stuff" section of craigslist.

Free Coupons, Already cut
Reply to: sale-1052211409@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-02-26, 9:10PM EST

I have several coupons for different items.
From dog food and treats, food items, cleaning items, etc
Please let me know when you can get them.
Thanks

* I reckon since she went through all the trouble of actually cutting out the coupons she cant just throw them away now... that would be silly! but going through the trouble of making a post on CL that requires someone to not only contact her about said coupons but drive to her fucking house to get them too -- now that, that's not silly at all.

jesus christ lady, how much time do you have on your fucking old shriveled white hands?